Old People

Seniors   The Nelson's a married couple were traveling by car from Myrtle Beach SC to visit family in Jacksonville Fl.   Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road and too tired to continue, they decided to get a room. However, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," the husband said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check.  She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!

Worry.....

"WORRY"

Is there an imaginary cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions?

Is there some wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug,

'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches In my daughter's head and I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage..'

My Parents just smiled faintly And said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom And heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career

making license plates.

As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage And then you can sit back, Relax and enjoy them.'

My Parents just smiled faintly And said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, The cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. 'Don't worry! In a few years, they'll be adults. 'They'll be off on their own

They'll be out of your hair'

My Parents just smiled faintly And said nothing.

By the time I was 50,

I was sick and tired of being vulnerable.

I was still worrying over my children,

But there was a new wrinkle..

Even though they were on their own 

I continued to anguish over their failures,

Be tormented by their frustrations and

Absorbed in their disappointments..

And there was nothing I could do about it.

My Parents just smiled faintly

And said nothing.

My friends said that When my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life.

I wanted to believe that,

But I was haunted by my parent's warm smiles And their occasional,

'You look pale. Are you all right' ?

'Call me the minute you get home'.

Are you depressed about something?'

My friends said that When I became a grandparent That I would get to enjoy

The happy little voices yelling

Grandma! Papa!

But now I find that I worry

Just as much about the little kids

As the big ones.

How can anyone cope

With all this Worry?

Can it be that parents are sentenced

To a lifetime of worry?

Is concern for one another

Handed down like a torch

To blaze the trail of human frailties

And the fears of the unknown?

Is concern a curse or is it

A virtue that elevates us

To the highest form of earthly creation?

Recently, one of my own children

Became quite irritable, saying to me,

'Where were you?

I've been calling for 3 days,

And no one answered

I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.

The torch has been passed.

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.  Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food,  be left all alone, and unsupervised, lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week, live in a tiny room, pay $3,000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all.

WOMEN'S RESTROOMS.....

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.


You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom , no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, ( Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'


In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'


By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.


You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

MY 5 NEW BOYFRIENDS!

I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of
my time and attention.
When he leaves, Art Ritis shows up
and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long,
so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him: "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself:

"Now, what am I here after?"

Fwd: PATIENTS CAN BE FUNNY

                  1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .

'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.      
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.  

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. .
'Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.' .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered..... It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,
           
                     AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

   8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

   Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE Baby's First Doctor Visit
 
This made me laugh out loud.
 I hope it will give you a smile!
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
 
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied...
 
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

 She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
 
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
 

WHAT CAN ONE EXPECT?

What I want in a man, Original  List: 1. Handsome 2.. Charming  3. Financially successful 4. A caring  listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises What  I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age  32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds  chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice  dinner 4. Listens more than  talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a  good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers  birthdays and anniversaries   What  I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age  42) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't  drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out  occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers  punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the  furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not  to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat  down 10. Shaves most  weekends What  I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age  52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears  trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or  scratch in public 3. Doesn't  borrow money too often 4. Doesn't  nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many  times 6. Is in good enough shape  to get off the couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh  underwear 8. Appreciates a good  TV dinner 9. Remembers your name  on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What  I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age  62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly  when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough  shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What  I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age  72) 1. Breathing. 2. Doesn't miss the toilet. ~~~~~~  AFTER  BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL  LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE  DAY  AND SAID, "Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP  APARTMENT, A CHEAP  CAR,  SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK  AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT  TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GIRL.  NOW  I HAVE A $500,000..00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,  NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN  TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.  IT SEEMS TO ME THAT  YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF  THINGS."   MY  WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.  SHE TOLD ME TO  GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE  AGAIN BE LIVING  IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR,  SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND  WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE  TV. AREN'T  OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE  YOUR MID-LIFE  CRISIS